You Know What Would Be Awesome?

If someone made an Oreo cookie that was made from one original Oreo half and one golden Oreo half.

I swear marijuana was not involved in that thought.

What The Finland Thinks Of American Cuisine

Supposedly this is the American food section in the ethnic aisle of a Finnish grocery store.

If that is really what it is, it makes me question our own ethnic food sections in our own supermarket (and I don't know what the exchange rate is, but wow, that seems expensive).

Ukrainian Style Frankenfoods: I Must Consume

Speaking of fast food, there is a takeout restaurant in my area which serves Ukrainian Nachos.

I have not eaten this delicacy, but apparently it is a traditional nacho plate served with pan-fried perogies rather than nacho chips.

And then I started thinking... since this is Canada, if there was any restaurant anywhere in the country that ever thought to make a Ukrainian Poutine?

So that would be Poutine (which, for those not in the know, is a French-Canadian dish composed of fries served with a rich brown gravy and melted cheese curds) with pan-fried perogies instead of the fries.

The rational part of my brain is turned off by all that fat and cheese and gravy... but my primitive lizard brain is causing my mouth to salivate.

Perhaps there will be a day this week when I play a little bit in the food lab.

Adventures in Nostalgia: Fun Dip/Lik-m-Aid

I've thinking lately about the things I enjoyed as a child, and I've been wondering how they've held up, and if I can still like them as an adult.

So in a series of recurring posts, I am going to go back and look at some of the things that I loved as a child/teen and see if they've held their appeal.

I thought it would be nice to start with something most kids love: candy.

Unfortunately, most of the candy that I ate as a child I've had as an adult, so there was no great shock when I kept rediscovering them every few years.

However, there was one confection which I haven't had in about 15-20 years, and that is Wonka's Lik-m-Aid, which is also known as Fun Dip (pictured below).



I ran across some of them when I was at a dollar store recently, and I thought it would be an interesting experiment to document what happened when ate it again.

And last night, I documented my experience eating it.

First 10 seconds: That is a nice intense flavor. It is like someone took some pixie dust and smashed some Sweettarts into it.

30 seconds: That is a strong cherry flavor. Is this what is it like to eat ready to mix Koolaid from a packet?

45 seconds: I think I can actually feel my teeth rotting.

75 seconds: Should my tongue be hurting? Is this too much flavor?

100 seconds: Yeah, this isn't good. It feels like I've been licking sandpaper for a few minutes now.

180 seconds: Oh good, now I can't feel my tongue. Wait, yes I can. Ow.

300 seconds: OK, I have to stop now. It is official. The Fun Dip has beaten me.

Looking at the remaining powder, I can tell I haven't even made a dent in either flavor, and with my tongue feeling like steel wool, I don't plan on finishing this treat. So I would say that no, the Fun Dip is no longer fun.

In retrospect, I don't know what I ever saw in this candy. I know I was hyper and everything, but surely there were better ways of getting sugar.

Tags: adventures in nostalgia, fun dip, lik-m-aid, wonka, candy, recurring feature, tongue, burn

The Dream Files: Planet Terror Reimagined

Generally, hearing about other people's dreams is about as interesting as hearing about what someone pulled out of their navel... but I think this is one of those rare occasions where it is worth mentioning (like if I had pulled a diamond ring out of my navel).

You see, I had a dream over the weekend where the characters from the movie Planet Terror were replaced by fast food commercial characters. Naturally, if you haven't seen the movie, there may be a few spoilers in this.

This gets really weird really fast. Won't you join me in the laughs.

I have to mention one of the strangest substitutions first, because it sets up everything else.

Rose McGowan's Cherry Darling was Grimace. Now picture that freak of nature trying to do the pole dancing with its short legs and stubby arms. I can't stop laughing because that image is just so strangely funny. And the idea of Grimace running around with a gun for a leg is just bizarre.

Marley Shelton's Dr. Dakota Block was played by Birdie, which isn't that weird considering. There isn't that many female characters in the fast food world, so this makes sense (though some would argue that my subconscious should have made Cherry Birdie, but that is just splitting hairs really).

Dr. William Block (Josh Brolin) was The Burger King, which is best dream casting ever, because he is the creepiest character in that movie. Of course, if the dream was utilizing the framework of No Country for Old Men, you know that the Burger King would have been Anton Chigurh.

Freddy Rodriguez's Wray was The Hamburglar, and when he did that sweet running flip off the wall, the hat stayed on, making the maneuver that much more awesome. Now, imagine Hamburglar riding the minibike. Of course, when you think about the fact that later in the movie, Hamburglar and Grimace get it on, you can understand why that reel of reel the movie went missing.

Deputy Tolo and Sheriff Hague (Tom Savini and Michael Biehn respectively) were played by Officer Big Mac and Mayor McCheese. I would have thought that J.T. would have been one of those two characters because the Sheriff is his brother and those two McDonald's characters share more than a passing similarity to each other.

And J.T. (Jeff Fahey) was Jack in the Box, Bruce Willis was The Big Boy and Naveen Andrews was Colonel Sanders.

Also notable is the fact that Naveen Andrews' line "I also want the balls" was transmogrified as "I also want the McNuggets." I don't know if he was referring to testicles as McNuggets or if he really wanted McNuggets (I could see a character based on the Colonel having a bag full of the testicles of his fast food enemies.

But what I find hilarious is that despite the fact that McDonald's characters dominated it, there was no Ronald McDonald. I don't know... maybe if the dream would have continued, he would have been Machete or someone from another trailer in the Grind House feature.

I don't have nightmares... but I think this once again proves that I have weird dreams.

Tags: grind house, planet terror, mcdonald's, ronald mcdonald, grimace, cherry darling, marley shelton, dakota block, naveen andrews, jeff fahey, bruce willis, big boy, burger king, josh brolin, robert rodriguez, rose mcgowan, hamburglar

My First Swag

I remember back when I received my first press release... oh, what heady times those were back in late 2006. And like the borderline narcissist that I am, I made it all about me.

Well, another one of those times is here. I am sort of like Kathy Griffin that way.

You see, I finally got my first swag. So it basically took almost 2 and a half years for things to progress from press releases to someone actually wanting to send me something.

I have a feeling aside from some review copies, this may be the last time this happens, because this post is going to burn that bridge.

I made sure that the woman at the E-PR firm knew beforehand that I was all about disclosure. She said that was no problem.

I don't think she knew how much disclosure there was actually going to be. Truth be told, I probably didn't know either.

Now, if you hadn't realized it by now, I am cheap. Really cheap. So naturally I leapt at the chance to sample some free as-of-yet unnamed Doritos. (The naming process is part of the Doritos Guru contest that pays 25 grand and 1% of the future net sales of that flavor).



I remember back at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, I was sitting in a class and we were supposed to introduce ourselves to our fellow classmates and being the epic wit that I am, I stated that I had eaten so many bags of Cool Ranch chips over the summer that I met Jay Leno. That's how much I've enjoyed them over the years.

OK, it seemed witty at the time.

So naturally when offered free snack food, I grabbed it. I mean, it was the first swag I'd ever been offered (which means that no, I haven't been a paragon of blogging ethics and virtue over here, merely I had never been given the chance to take anything period).

Now here is the funny thing: they sent the chips and the media kit to me overnight by courier service. I don't know how much that cost, but I admire the effort.

If I was a little more full of myself, I'd say they went to all that effort because I am super important and influential. But I am not any of those things, so it seemed a little extravagant to me.

But in the end, perhaps it was worth it... after all, I did mention the contest they wanted me to talk about. So it is official. My price for talking about anything is now one dollar and 29 cents retail. But turning that much swag into a blog post having much more to do with me with just a small dash of the actual work that the swag was supposed to produce. That is priceless.

(Now I wonder when Mastercard is going to give me that buck 29.)

Tags: doritos, swag, mastercard, integrity, doritos guru, kathy griffin, contest

Friday Favorites: Wacky Packages: Pop Cultural Goodness

I loved this entry when I wrote it, and I still do. And my love for Wacky Packages has never really abated. And since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I thought I should go with something I loved.

Well, it makes sense to me at least.

--

I was doing a bit of stumblin' around the internet this weekend, and I found a site which brought back a lot of memories for me.

You see, it has been over 20 years since I had a set of Wacky Packages, and in retrospect, I've really missed their irreverent sense of humor. Of course, with the availability of Adobe Photoshop and other graphical packages, well, finding satirical takes on product packaging and advertisements is easier than ever, but there is just something magical about the Wacky Packages series.

Maybe it is the fact that the originals were being produced in the open by a company that was willing to take the risk of litigation to entertain millions of children and adults annually, though granted, the 1970's was probably not as litigious a time as today is, or perhaps it was because at the time I started buying them, there were very few places a child could see material like that... and they are probably one of the reasons I am slightly warped as an adult, but that is ok. And when I read that as recently as 2003 the Morton Salt Company had forced Ebay to restrict auctions of the parody "Moron Salt" sticker, well, that made my love for Wacky Packages grow anew.

They are just pure pop cultural and consumerist goodness. Even if as a kid I didn't get all the references, the artists and conceptualists at Topps didn't dumb things down for us, and in retrospect, I appreciate that. Cleverness is its own virtue after all, and while some of the humor was very low-brow, it did make me ask questions to myself, even if I couldn't yet answer them.

Thinking back, I got my first set of Wacky Packages back in 1985 was I was about 8 or 9 years old as part of the revival of the product line. (1985 seems to be a seminal year in my development, now doesn't it?), and I had the whole 1985 set and the reprint set of 77 cards in 1986. Of course, I wish I still had them(because I'd be feelthy rich then), but I still got a nice trip down memory lane and some odd product cravings too, mainly for some Hostess Cupcakes, but some other products came up too. And while I was also a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids, the Wacky Packages were always the king of my mid-80's sticker empire, and they were a lot better than anything Mad or Cracked Magazine was coming up with, that's for sure.

Now my question is: was anybody else a fan of these subversively sassy stickers?

Tags: wacky packages, morton salt, 1985, garbage pail kids, yicks, gulp oil, satire, topps, ebay, mad magazine, cracked magazine, pop culture, humor, consumerism

Sunday Night Videos: The Cadbury Suicides

Much in keeping with the spirit of The Book of Bunny Suicides comes this little set of ads for Cadbury Eggs.... which I think is more entertaining than the thought of a bunny that bocks like a chicken.

Anyone else want some fondant and chocolate?

Tags: cadbury eggs, bunny suicides, chocolate, fondant, suicide, advertising, candy

Non-Alcoholic Drinks: I just don't get them

I am a Girl Drink Drunk.

OK, that is an exaggeration. I used to say that I was predisposed to alcoholism like an oily rag was predisposed to burning, so generally speaking, I was an atypical teenager and young adult, especially considering that I really have no moral, social or religious objection to the consumption of alcohol. I had my fears about falling into alcoholism because I was part Irish, an aspiring writer, had an addictive personality and came from a family tree that was a little tipsy, and you can see why I was sort of afraid of tottering down that path.

But there was another reason why I didn't really start drinking until I was about 24.

Taste.

To me, wine and beer taste like fermented ass, and the idea that groups of people sit around and swish these beverages in their mouth and then describe the various flavors that are left over when they spit seems like it was developed as some sick fraternity/secret society initiation rite that the rest of the world was conned into believing was a high cultured activity. I mean, I don't think Animal House was ever nominated for any Oscars, but somehow a movie about two dudes going up to Napa for a lot of wine tasting was nominated for 5. And won one.

I just don't get it. Maybe I don't have a sophisticated palette, but really, my thoughts generally run along the lines of, if it doesn't taste good, don't explore that flavor more, because to me, every wine is just a more expensive version of prison wine. It smells funky, tastes funky and generally leaves my tongue with the desire to punch me in the groin for making it experience it.

And then there is low alcohol wines and near beers... which to me seems like the worst of both worlds. It is the same awful taste with none of the appealing inebriation. It is sort of like going through customs at the airport and taking a 19-hour trip somewhere without the prospect of getting off the plane someone nice and/or different. And really, what is the point of going through the unpleasantness if you don't get something out of it. To me that is pure masochism. Or it is something you'd use to win a Drinking contest vs. someone who was drinking actual booze. I mean, that is the only conceivable reason outside of a 12 step program I can see for someone consuming one of these products.

Of course, to me the silliest thing I've seen in the supermarket along these lines is non-alcoholic wine coolers. I mean, really. If it is getting to the point in your life where you need to resort to one of these products, just turn around and buy a sparkling flavored water or even some sweetened fizzy water from the Coke or Pepsi company. I mean, what is next, a low alcohol hard lemonade which though only 0.5% alcohol, it still vaguely tastes of rubbing alcohol or bottles of Vaguely Vodka-like so people can make their very own fake Screwdrivers and Ice Picks? And yet, I am sure that someone has considered this, and was narrowly overruled.

To me, it is almost the same as selling cigarettes, that gateway to Flavor Country, that don't have nicotine in them. Oh wait, they do.

This is one of those lines of thought that seriously makes me contemplate what is wrong with some people. I am sure some of you are thinking that same thing right now, and hopefully more than half of you aren't entertaining that thought about me.

Tags: wine coolers, near beer, sideways, animal house, coke, pepsi, wine, alcohol, barney gumble, girl drink drunk, kids in the hall, flavor country, herbal cigarettes, soda, pop, screwdriver, ice pick, hard lemonade, orange juice, smoking, napa valley, prison wine, fermentation, fizzy water, sugar, drugs, alcoholism, irish, writing, social drinking, contest, prohibition

Products I thought Americans had: Milk in a Bag

As you go through life, you have certain expectations, especially when you live next door to someone for a long time.

And then you find out your neighbor hasn't even heard of some of the stuff you are into, and well, it makes you a little disheartened really, like there is some vast cultural divide that you never knew about.

I mean, for 31 years, I thought you Americans had bags of milk.



I just took it for granted that everyone could go out and buy a gallon of a dairy product in a bag; a bag which contained 3 smaller airtight bags you take out individually as needed and slip into a special pitcher available at any supermarket, department store or generally wherever milk is sold, and then cut the corner off said bag, allowing one access to fresh milk. A fellow Canadian/Ontarian demonstrates the procedure.

To someone that hasn't seen it, I know it sounds bizarre, but I've used all three of the major milk distribution systems, and I have to tell you, it does has some distinct advantages.

I understand the advantages of buying a gallon of milk when you go shopping, but to me, I'd rather use that milk as I need it rather than lugging around that whole big jug of it every time I need a little milk in my coffee or if I was baking. And while I am using one bag of milk, the other two sit in the fridge, staying fresh and cold until needed. And because they are sealed, I can just lay them on the bottom shelf of the fridge until that time arrives. And as a delivery system, it uses far less plastic than a jug.

And I have to say, the milk tastes better than it does from a jug or carton. I just does.

To me, the bag of milk is much in keeping with something that seems very American in the dairy section: the 4 butter stick pound. More Canadian dairy companies should get on board with that little slice of genius. And I have to say, I think some Americans would probably like what bagged milk has to offer.

Tags: milk, jugs, bags, cartons, canada, sticks of butter, dairy, international oddities, plastic, gallon of milk