Thursday, December 14, 2006

Four Movies That Have Wasted My Life

In the days following the posting of the Freddy Got Fingered recut trailer, a certain sentiment has been appearing in my email box and over at Semaj's blog about the movie: people want the minutes of their lives that they invested in that movie back, and it got me to thinking about some of the movies that I've seen that I want my invested minutes back as well.

There are bad movies that I admit that I love, and then there are those movies that just shouldn't be. They suck the life out of everyone involved and those that watch them, and as a public service, I thought I would choose a few from my own history of movies that you should never see if you can avoid it.

Now I am not going to pick an easy targets like movies based on a video game or directed by Uwe Boll or Ed Wood. Battlefield Earth and Santa With Muscles, despite being horrific movies will also not be lamented here. No, these are movies that I got blindsided by their crappuessence. These are some of the clunkers that cost me precious life.

Keys to Tulsa: This 1997 movie stars Eric Stolz, James Spader and Michael Rooker and features such luminaries as Cameron Diaz, James Coburn and Mary Tyler Moore. It is also one of the most boring movies I have ever seen and was pretty much uninteresting in every way. It was for sale at my local Blockbuster for 2 dollars and I was sorely tempted to buy it to prevent someone else from purchasing it and experiencing the same level of mind-shattering apathy and abject boredom that I had gone through back in 1998. Yes, I remember how bad this movie was from 8 years ago, which should really say something about it.

Mission Impossible 2
: It seems like I didn't really think about this and I am copping out, but no, in reality this to me is one of the worst big budget movies ever made. I wanted to like this movie, I really did. I mean, I enjoyed the first movie in this franchise, but this, this was something completely different. It is like the perfect storm of crapitude for me. I don't like Tom Cruise, not a big fan of John Woo's work and let's face it, the script and dialogue are mediocre at best, but even that is not enough to make this one of those movies that sucked precious hours away from my life that I will never get back. No, on all levels this movie doesn't work. Perhaps there might have been a sliver of quality in this movie if you know, Tom Cruise didn't lock John Woo out of the editing room, but even then, I still think this movie would still stink as bad as the proverbial midden pile it represents cinematically. I just have to ask Ving Rhames and Anthony Hopkins what they thought they would get out of this experience aside from a paycheck.

Chairman of the Board: OK, I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but with Larry Miller, Rachel Welch and M. Emmet Walsh rounding out the cast of the Carrot Top/Courtney Thorne-Smith vehicle, well, I thought that it would at least be funny from a bad movie point of view, but alas, it was not. Norm Macdonald ripped this movie far better than I ever could, so I shall quote him. Alternate title for this movie: "Box office poison" and when presented with the real title of the movie, he quipped that the Board was spelled B-O-R-E-D. Of course, I've seen Dirty Work, so I don't really think he is in a position to talk.

Shining Through: Picture it, a World War II picture where because of her skills at baking pastries, Melanie Griffith is used to spy on a German officer by American Intelligence services. Michael Douglas, John Gielgud(!) and Liam Neeson couldn't make this shit float. It won 3 Razzies the year it came out, though it should have won more, because wow, this is the triple crown of bad. At least this wasn't Gielgud's last movie. That would make it all the more tragic.

So in closing, I gave up nearly 8 hours of my life watching these movies, and as a public service I am telling you NOT to watch them if you have the opportunity.

Now, are there any movies that you regret watching and wish you had invested time returned to you?


Anonymous said...

Oh yes...mine is a movie that six of us gathered 'round to watch last year because hi...Tracey Ullman AND Johnny Knoxville? We all sat there determined to make it through but would like that 90 minutes of our lives back truly was A Dirty Shame!

MC said...

See, I had been interested in seeing that because of its prominence in This Film is Not Yet Rated, but now I am forewarned and forearmed.

Tracey said...

I wish I could have the time I spent watching both 'Forrest Gump' and 'The Plague' given back to me. I'd definitely trade those for some decent movie watching time.

MC said...

There were two movies recently called the Plague. Could you be a little more specific?

Anonymous said...

MI2 was hot thanks to Tom
the actions was great
the script bad, but it was because of the morons who complained after the first movie was released
too complicated!?

DutchBitch said...

OK... I get the message... I guess I am taking all of those back to the dvd rental store straight away... I just got them! ;-)

Mayren said...

#1 Freddy got fingered
#2 The Minus Man
#3 Too many others to name

- I could have lived more if not for those flicks...

j said...

people are going to hate me for this, but i rather hated Titanic. i was dragged to the (jam packed) theaters twice. so that's six hours of my life wasted wretchedly. even the theme song's a source of nightmares.

it was an experience more excruciating than flying economy for 18 hours. and i've done the flying more than 5 times.

MC said...

anon: There are systemic problems with that entire movie.

Dutchy: I'm sure they'll understand... though it will probably take you as long to fight to get your money back as it would to watch the movies, so I guess it is a tossup as to whether it is worth it.

mayren: Oh I had forgotten about the Minus Man... thanks for the flashback.

J: these things are subjective, so don't worry about getting criticized for that.

Semaj said...

I’m thinking of a recent movie, and that movie is Miami Vice (the movie). I nearly walked out on this mess of a movie, but stayed because my friends were in the theater. I left the theater pissed.

@ J: Don't feel bad about that, I've always hated the theme song to that movie, and really hated James Horner's recycled music.

MC said...

I remember people walking out of Brain Candy, but I was ok with it.

I am sort of waiting for a certain movie that I really enjoy to pop up in this discussion, and if it does, a specific film will probably appear.