Wednesday, November 03, 2010

My Statement to the MidMoClub Re: Battlefield Earth

The Midnight Movie Club recently took on the epic failure that is Battlefield Earth, and because my mic was broken at the time, I sent Dan a statement to read about the movie. I have included it below.

"This is what it is like when a steaming pile of excrement is lovingly shaped into a movie. Unfortunately, I guess the kind of loving care that went into this movie is the same sort that Joan Crawford lavished on her daughter in Mommie Dearest. It is the sort of film that had to be crafted with sadistic joy, because that is the only explanation I can come up with for its general lack of quality aside from the possibility that Uwe Boll made it. I am sure Nic Cage's agent sent him he script and ever he turned it down.

I mean, Starship Troopers Marauder had the excuse that there was no budget to explain its horrific nature, but this... what fiend thought this was a good idea. And it's not like the book it was based on was stellar either... Hubbard must have been getting paid by the word for that atrocity against literature, because Battlefield Earth the novel is even more half-baked than the "religion" he created.

If John Travolta wasn't in it, I would have thought that it was designed to make Hubbard and Scientology look bad. That's what I would have done, because if it wasn't for Travolta, it would be an epic work made out of hatred.

But you know, I feel really bad for Forrest Whitaker. He has an Oscar, but he still has this on his acting resume. And let's not forget, it killed a studio. Granted, it was the studio that brought us such classics as Ballistic: Sever vs Ecks, the Get Carter remake and Half Past Dead, so perhaps this is the movie's one bright spot.

Everyone involved should be put in stocks and sent to every town in the world that the film opened in theatrically so they can be pelted with vegetables, batteries and/or whatever small items that people can find. And even then that wouldn't be enough punishment.

And yet, it still isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. That's the scary part."

What can I say. I am a passionate person sometimes.


Semaj said...

You had me rolling with the Nic Cage remark. I can see cage shaking his head and saying, "Whoa, did they have to shoot the cows, man. I'm not in."

Forrest Whitaker tries really tries to make the best out of. I think he knew that it was shit and camped it up even more. I still kind of laugh at part where John Travolta shoots off his arm and Whitaker doesn't really have a big reaction

Kal said...

It is part of the total delusion among Scientologists. Anyone that can believe in Xenu and his soul carrying 747s can easily be convinced that 'Battlefield Earth' was a good idea. I am so glad they did make it because it gives me another reason to mock their psuedo religious bullshit. I can forgive a movie for being crappy if they don't have the funding. Well maybe not so much after seeing the terrific indy 'Monsters'. There is no excuse for 'Battlefield Earth'.

Arjan said...

I'm gonna listen to the whole thing tonight or tomorrow :)

Lee Sargent said...

We love you for it.

Battlefield Earth is one of those films that doesn't offend me enough for me to care that it's such a shitty film.

Had I read the book before and enjoyed it then I probably would have gotten angrier about it.

MC said...

Semaj: I don't think Cage had the tax troubles back then. That's the only reason he wasn't in it. Whitaker probably made some decent money from the movie though, and he did marry a model, so he has that going for him too.

Kal: I have to check out that movie now. I want to see what they did for 200K.

Arjan: I read your comments over at the Midmoclub.

Lee: The comment I didn't make at the Club but still wanted to say was Dan was defending the book which he read when he was 16. Think about the movies you watched at that age that you watched for the club that didn't hold up. I read Piers Anthony as a 16 year old... and I figured out how crap a lot of those books were when I got a little older.

Lee Sargent said...

See it's a good point, my reading habits have obviously changed over the years as well.

I'm reminded of the statement I made when watching Frankenhooker, what I found funny when I was 14 is not what I find funny today and the case is the same for a lot of things.

When I complain about Transformers the movie I'm probably complaining more about the memories and associations I have with the cartoon than the content of the actual film as it stands alone. I'm still not convinced it's entertaining though ;)