Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hollywood is Developmentally Challenged

This one is going to have a lot of swearing in it. I am giving you fair warning because, let's face it, this is a relatively rare event. And this is also a fairly long entry, but the fact that I am swearing should indicate that this is one of those posts where I rant... and those are always fun.

As you are probably well aware, I am not a huge fan of remakes. OK, that is the understatement of the year. Hell, I worked with some of you on a blog that examined that issue as its first case.

Anyway, I flipped on Nightline last night, and the subject at hand was some of the upcoming remakes that Hollywood has up its sleeve.

The first name they threw out there was Real Genius.


And then they said there were plans to remake Overboard.

Hollywood, you absolute cocksuckers!

Now, I want names. I want the fucking names of the shit-eating morons who thought this was a good idea. I want the names of everyone involved in this process, because they deserve retribution, starting with a full round of overnight hanging wedgies.

Because really, someone who suggested that the world needed a remake of Overboard needs to be examined by mental health professionals because it is completely superfluous to put it kindly. To not put it kindly, it is a fucking stupid idea. No one is asking for it, no one was begging for this to happen. It is beyond stupid.

I have two theories about how this happened. Either someone jokingly suggested the remake and then to their horror discovered that his or her superiors loved that idea, or someone hates humanity so much that they feel they need to suffer through a glossier, intellectually bankrupt version of the same story with a younger cast (because you know that is going to be part of the deal). And I have a feeling they were somehow the same person who suggested an American remake of Spaced.

And the Real Genius one... that one hurts my soul. I would pay seven to ten dollars to see a short film made up entirely of footage of the execs behind that move being tied to chairs and punched in the face repeatedly by Martha Coolidge, Val Kilmer, William Atherton and the rest of the cast and crew of the original. I might even spring for an extra 3 to 5 bucks if their were some groin kicks in 3D or those involved recreated the famous fax machine beating from Office Space with said executives.

I mean, why? There are no scripts in the slush pile? There isn't one semi-original idea out there that could possibly be done instead of this? Dammit, you are telling me that there isn't a script floating around about a group of smart kids in college who do amusing things? Are you fucking kidding me? There isn't one? Or are you too brain-dead and lackidasical at your job that you didn't ask one of your readers if they had perhaps seen something like that? Hell, you could probably just reach into the slush pile and pull three of those out of there and a buddy cop movie just for shits and giggles. I mean, really, if someone thought putting out Annapolis was a good idea, then sure as shit developing movies at random from the pile would net more interesting results than what you are doing now.

There is a remake of House Party in the works as well. For Fuck's Sake why? I mean, if Robin Harris was still alive, he would be administering a beating upon the assholes who suggested this which would rival anything Mike Tyson did in the ring.

There are a lot of jokes about where in the world people should stick an enema tube, but at the moment, aside from any place political decisions are made, Hollywood needs it the most, because there are so many heads lodged up that collective asshole, it is likely the only way anyone involved in some of these decisions will ever see the light of day with their own two eyes again.

And given that analogy, it makes sense that Hollywood makes a lot of shitty movies, because if all you see, taste and smell is shit for long enough, I guess it starts to look palatable.

Seriously, there should be a position on every Hollywood executives staff for someone who sole job is to smack them upside the head when they suggest something like "Let's remake Commando!" And not a light slap either.... that person should have to put some weight behind it. I am sure there are a lot of unemployed former college athletes who would jump at the chance to pop someone in the back of the head every time they suggested a meritless remake.

And the thing that makes me weep is people will go see these movies and this pattern is going to keep repeating until there is nothing left, because just because they haven't yet remade your favorite movies doesn't mean they won't do it at some point.

See, this is why we as a culture can't have anything nice... because stupid assholes keep trying to remake those things and fucking them up. Because they rarely do a good job of it, and when you tell someone you like a movie, they think you are talking about the piece of shit remakes. Some of you have to have had a similar experience with at least one person in your life, it can't just be me.

I remember telling someone that I loved Rollerball, and they gave me a look like I was fucking insane... because they only knew of the shitty version with Chris "Balsa Wood" Klein (because he is wood, but he is as lightweight as they come) and Jean "I Used to Do Good Movies, but Now, Not So Much" Reno. And this is going to keep happening. And I fucking loathe it.

Now, there is a fanboy mantra that gets chanted whenever the community doesn't like something. The franchise, company or particular person "raped their childhood." I am not going to use that phrase, because frankly, I saw the "good" version of most of these remade films (and thank you Hollywood for forcing me to call some rather mediocre films from the 1970's and 80's the good version, because they have fucked up remake after remake). No, I am worried about the children, because they are now living in a fucked up world where these shitty remakes are their version of the story, and who is thinking about them. Don't they deserve quality, original (or at least slightly derivative) entertainment too. Who is looking out for their interests in this matter?

We all know those who are seemingly advocating to protect them from immortality on the screen and in music certainly aren't writing letters and organizing boycotts to save them from the soul crushing disappointment of another studio ripping off its own legacy to serve them a steaming shit sandwich (now in 3D!). If any one of these groups got behind stopping the remakes, then maybe I would be willing to listen to their other assinine assertions that the fact that the book How to Eat Fried Worms is going to lead a generation of kids to become gay Wiccan commie serial killers who will destroy America.

If I was conspiratorially minded, I might even be willing to see this whole exercise not as some crass profit driven ploy by the studios to soak every dollar from the worldwide viewing audience (who don't feel bad for stealing from them because with all these remakes, they are stealing from themselves anyway), but rather this whole thing is the most comprehensive education on the world that man or machine has devised for teaching kids about the world. They should see that the world is a cold, cynical place that attacks innovative thinking and rewards the same shit over and over. And the lessons they learn from watching remake after remake prepares them for the shitstorm that is politics too.

But that is giving everyone involved a lot more credit than they deserve.


Megan said...

Glorious. I'm going to read it again.

Burbanked said...

Two words for awesome OVERBOARD casting:

Kate. Hudson.

*ducks to avoid being struck by thrown iron skillet*


MC said...

Megan: Yeah, I am often the most entertaining when I am being an asshole.

Burbanked: I should have subtitled this "or how I torpedoed any chance of me working in television or the movies".