Wednesday, January 20, 2010

If I Won a Razzie...

It is awards season, and while the majority of ceremonies this time of year are laudatory, self-congratulatory affairs, there is one award that keeps it real and celebrates not just mediocrity but outright awfulness.

I am of course talking about Hollywood's favorite award, The Golden Raspberry. Apparently the long list of award nominees is making its rounds, and people who are on them are getting upset.

Of course, most of the people who get named would never be nominated for, much less win any other award, so perhaps they should take it in the spirit in which it is given.

I mean, I would certainly accept a Golden Raspberry if I won one. Then again, I am a little bit of an attention whore too, and I generally don't get a lot of negative feedback for the things I do, and the little I do get, I really call attention to.

With that in mind, I thought I would give you all a taste of what my speech would be like if I was to win a Razzie as Worst Director (because let's face it, if I directed a movie, it would be terrible... I am willing to concede that).

Thank you for this great honor. When I first heard that I was nominated for this award, well, I cried a little bit. I'm not a proud man, I can admit that. I looked at the work of the other nominees in this category and thought that I didn't have a shot at winning this award.

Let's face it. The depth of directing talent in this category is, how can I put it delicately... its shallow. There are D-Students in film schools around the country putting out shaky little Youtube videos who have more talent than all of those nominated in this category combined.

To continue that analogy, if we are only as good as one pretentious film student making Youtube videos, then the film critics and bloggers out there are the people who leave comments on those videos. The fact that both groups use a lot of derogatory terms for gay people, blacks and women in relation to our work is purely coincidental. At least I hope is.

And we all know that Michael Bay would have been here, but alas, he has unfortunately gotten stuck in his own home. It turns out he's was stealing all the money set aside for story development on every film he has ever made, and now A&E is sending in a camera crew to try to rescue him and tell his story on Hoarders.

I am also guessing that Uwe Boll would have been here too, but fortunately for all of us, his Xbox 360 had a Red Ring of Death, so he was unable to come up with any ideas for franchises he wanted to destroy on the silver screen. And while you can crap on a DVD and call it a movie, most state and federal law enforcement entities would call it by a much uglier name: fraud.

But truly, I join some illustrious company today. Think about some of the luminaries that have been given this award in this category. Steven Seagal, Prince, Sylvester Stallone and Tom Green. Oh did I say luminaries... I meant losers. I mean, wow, I am following in Tom Green's footsteps... well, without getting the pleasure of sleeping with Drew Barrymore... or the prescription I would need after sleeping with Drew Barrymore either. And if he were alive today, we can all agree that Ed Wood would have received a lifetime achievement award.

Speaking of which, I've heard that Tim Burton is planning on making a biographical movie about me. Unfortunately, Johnny Depp isn't available, so he is going with his second choice... Seth Rogen. I apologize in advance that you are going to have to see him run around in tight black leather. Hopefully Tim has learned his lesson from his remake of Planet of the Apes, so he won't arbitrarily change the ending, and if he hasn't, well, I fully expect to see him here next year on this stage accepting this very award.

I also heard rumors that even Eddie Murphy stated he was glad he didn't work on this movie, and we all know, he is a man who carefully weighs his options when it comes to the scripts he is offered. If you don't believe me, you can ask him yourself. Seriously Eddie, what are you doing? You've done a lot of penance for your sins, really you have, but we've all forgiven you for picking up that tranny hooker. You can make good movies again... we've been punished enough already.

Of course, I should also extend an apology to my cast. While they were well compensated for their roles in my movie, they didn't deserve to be painted with the same brush as me. I don't know if they will forgive me when the stench of failure finally fades, and it will eventually fade, but I do know that I have likely given them stories to tell on talk shows for a very long time. I am sure they will work with me again... mainly because I know all their dirty secrets and I am not above blackmail. It is one of those life lessons I learned from observing the Church of Scientology.

Anyway, I am sorry that I have to cut this speech short, but I have to catch a flight. I got a summons... apparently I am being tried by a tribunal at The Hague for Crimes against Humanity. They are talking about giving me the death penalty. I didn't know they could do that, but I can tell by the way you are all looking at me that you want me to drop dead too, so I will just say Thank You once again, and be on my way.

You know, maybe it is a good thing I haven't really pushed my luck in Hollywood as of yet. I don't think I would work for very long.


Vicki said...

You are so funny!!! I loved this blog. You know the music to boot you off the stage would have cued in about midway through your second paragraph, right? :)

MC said...

If you show up for a Razzie, they will let you talk. It isn't televised, so you can basically get away with a lot.

John said...

To accept a Razzie is among the classiest acts of a Hollywood director. I have only respect for such people.

First time visitor to your blog. I couldn't resist the Harvey Birdman bear avatar.

MC said...

I agree... it shows that you are humble and you are taking full responsibility for your role in the disaster.

And yeah, the bear is awesome.