Thursday, August 28, 2008

What It Would Take For Me To See Disaster Movie

Today, Semaj posted a entry about the upcoming release of another epic from the beautiful mind* of Uwe Boll on DVD, Postal, and I noticed that the cover of the DVD stated that it also came with a copy of the PC game Postal 2.... and it honestly made me want to pick up the movie when it got cheaper just for the game.

It got me to thinking about what it would take for me to see another midden pile of a movie, Disaster Movie (a title that tells you exactly what to expect) at either the theater or on DVD.

At the theater:

  • The movie features an airtight explanation for how the Kennedy Assassination went down.

  • Going to see the movie at a theater results in rapid and painless weight loss to their ideal weight within minutes of leaving the theater

  • Watching the movie on the big screen imbues you with some form of psychic powers beyond knowing that Disaster Movie is going to suck before you see it.

  • Every Person who sees the movie gets a secret part for their car which will allow it to run on anything you put in the tank... ANYTHING.

  • If I see the movie, the Church of Scientology admits it is a cult and shuts down immediately.

To Purchase it on DVD:

  • A Carmen Electra/Kim Kardasian sex tape

  • A credit card that will comp all my future meals to Lionsgate

  • A set of pills which will prevent me from getting cancer or heart disease for the rest of my life

  • A gift certificate for a free Disaster Movies of the 1970's boxset.

  • The explicit promise in writing that if I buy the DVD, they will stop making these movies.

* In order not to offend the people who are boycotting Tropic Thunder, Culture Kills has instituted a policy of referring to people who have diminished capacity as having a beautiful mind, especially when referring to a particular German filmmaker, because the word retarded just isn't enough really.


Bart said...

That sounds about right. I'd also take a million dollar bribe. Or maybe a bribe that pays off my mortgage, my student loans, my car, and any other incidental debts I'm currently holding.

mfheadcase said...

**shamefaced** ok, i'll admit it, i actually watched Postal... I didn't PAY for it mind you, but i have watched it.... and it's not really that bad.

This movie actually manages to demonstrate that Uwe Boll has a sense of humour, albeit a twisted one, and he is willing to aim it at himself.

He actually plays a version of himself in Postal, a version where all of the worst ideas people have of him are literally true... and worse. And he dies at the hands of the outraged designer of the game Postal...

Oh, it's still a bad movie... but it is approaching the sort of bad that makes it good again...

Megan said...

Sounds about right to me too. Except for the sex tape, 'natch.

I like your new 'mucha lucha' look...

MC said...

Bart: In that case, get some more debts so the million covers it. I am thinking about how much The Hottie and the Nottie made at the theater it's opening weekend, and I think it probably would have been cheaper just to give the people who saw it half a million dollars a piece rather than make it.

MFH: Last year, I wrote a post about Boll finding his level with this movie... but then he had to go and get some Dave Foley frontal nudity into the mix, and well, all bets were off then... because even Foley's wife doesn't want to see frontal nudity from him.

Megan: Well, I am sure you could give it to someone. (and I think that was the first time I ever used Kim Kardasian's name on this blog.) I suggested that one because I remember reading either Electra or Kardasian was trying to sell the movie by indicating that the two of them wrestled in it.