Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Some things just do not belong together

Some things go rather well together, like peanut butter and sweet milk chocolate or cheese and crackers. But then you have two things coming together and you feel like throwing up because both the individual ingredients are sickening on their own, and as a team, well, there is a lot of funk coming off that plate.

Today I read that Scientology and NASCAR are going to be available in one neat little package, and I immediately thought about eating some half-digested raw kalamari dipped into a vat of 8 day old used cooking oil behind the greasiest backstreet dive in Tijuana in mid-July. No wait, that culinary combination is far more palatable than what is in store for us all with the collision of pseudoreligion and pseudosport.

Now, let's look at this from the perspective of the Church of Scientology. They want more rich people to spend a lot of money getting rid of their thetans, and as we all know, NASCAR fans as a group are just the wealthiest people out there. They all sit on gold toilet seats and have huge dollar-shaped swimming pools, and they can't swing a dead cat without hitting members of the paparrazi who want to take an exclusive 4.1 million dollar picture of their kids while they are walking down Rodeo Drive to the Chanel store in the heart of Little Rock, Arkansas. And of course, with no major religious forces down in in NASCAR country, well, it is just ripe for the taking, isn't it, so it looks like a fundamentally sound plan on their part, and they should feel blessed that they can take part in the christening of a new racing team. I mean, what could go wrong.

In all honesty, if it came down to a NASCAR fan having to choose between buying a copy of Dianetics or Dale Earnhardt Memorial Mudflaps(or a similar NASCAR automotive product), we all know what they would probably pick up. I wouldn't even have to do the market research on that one.

Let's face it, this isn't even "good" NASCAR... you know, the kind that postpones Animation Domination on Fox on certain Sunday nights. This is like the roadkill that gets scraped up outside the parking lot of the Daytona speedway. No, I take that back, because more people would rather watch some dude do that than the races the Scientology team is sponsoring. I know I would.

Of course, I have an idea that would make this partnership a hit. I say they put a new Scientology celeb* on the hood of that car every week, and I tell you, people will come and watch, because there is nothing more cleansing to the soul than watching a nutty celebrity crash and burn.

* I meant they paint on a picture of them... but if they wanted to strap Tom Cruise or Kirstie Alley to the hood, I wouldn't object. And most of you wouldn't either.


TJ said...

Now that is funny! We should have the Roman Catholic Church help sponsor the Miss America pageant next.

MC said...

Isn't the Miss America pageant sleazy enough as it is?

Good to see you here BTW, and I am glad the blogger flu didn't hit you :)

snackiepoo said...

Good Lord, next thing you know Tom Cruise will be leading Katie by the arm and whispering in her ear "you will stand out there in these shorty shorts and wave the GO Flag in the name of our Church or a reign of terror will beseech thee".

Yanno, or something like that ;)

MC said...

And John Travolta would do a flyover in his little plane and the Ribisis and the Masterson boys could wrestle to the death gladiator style while Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and Catherine Bell play on one of those old school kids game shows based around the evils of psychiatry.

Beck and Isaac Hayes would sing songs about prozac addiction and why South Park sucks, and the mummified body of L. Ron Hubbard would grant wishes to all who touched him.

Scarlet said...

Wait until the fumes fill those HUGE nostrils of his... Next thing you know he will be jumping up and down on a couch...oh wait, he's done that. Think I need reprogramming..again. Damn Thetans.

ppffftt! So much respect for a church with alien/mind themes..only a science fiction writer could come up ...oh wait, one did.
I need reprogramming..again. Damn Thetans.

MC said...

Not just any science fiction writer... one of the hackiest ones in town.... the Banyan of sci-fi writers. And the sad thing is, we don't even get an Armani suit or a date with Uma Thurman out of the deal.

Though thinking of Tom Cruise and fumes.... I don't think he could act any more brain damaged than he already has, and I think that is the real reason he doesn't like psychiatrists.

I mean, does a dog like being treated for an injury? No... it lashes out at the people who try to help it. So that's why you need to drug them up.