Monday, January 18, 2010

Australia scares the Bejesus out of me.

I recently came across an article on Cracked which looked at the dangers of Australian wildlife and insects.

It is like they took every deadly and dangerous planet in the movies and just stuffed them into one continent. True story, Captain Kirk stranded Khan not on Ceti Alpha 5, but in the Outback.

Compared with Australia, I live in a Disney cartoon.

I mean, the only wildlife I am sharing this neighborhood with are, let's see, squirrels, rabbits, foxes, skunks, possums, raccoons, ducks, geese, bluebirds, cardinals, robins... you know, the usual pantheon of cute and sometimes annoying animals. I am sure there are chipmunks somewhere around here too.

Yes, I have to occasionally deal with a skunk spraying my dog, but nothing is actively trying to kill me on a daily basis, despite what that crazy dude at the coffee shop down the street keeps saying about the squirrels conspiring to seize the supermarkets so that the precious nut supply can be theirs. I am sure I would look at things differently if we were having Night of the Lepus rabbit problems or the geese around here, while being a little bit agressive, had poison claws on their webbed feet or venomous bites.

So Kudos to you Australians. You are living in God's country... if he was a vindictive murderous bastard AKA Old Testament God.


Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I totally agree with you. That whole continent is one big death trap. My sister lives there and her kids run around without shoes all the time. I step out onto the porch in nothing less than a class 5 Hazmat suit and even the grass tries to kill me. It's hot and humid and wormy or deadly.

Lee Sargent said...

Just to add further validity to your fear and respect:

I had these types of spider in the backyard too :)

MC said...

Lee: How do people survive to adulthood there. I mean, seriously, it is like some conspiracy by nature to weed you all out.

Cal: Now a Hazmat suit in Aussie heat has got to be comfy.

Dan said...

Canada has bears though doesn't it? And Moose (or is that Mosseses?). I hear one of them mooseseses can take your head off with a single swipe of their claws.

D. Prince said...

My cousin lived there for 3 years and I was too scared to visit! I'm a wimp.

MC said...

Dan: But they don't tend to hang around the urban areas. Those spiders do seem to like being around people.

D. Prince: Well, it is a scary, scary place... and a long plane ride too.

Lee Sargent said...

You'd be surprised how effective it is in keeping the unemployment figures down ;)

Hey it looks like I'll be coming your way at Christmas too!

MC said...

So people have money for the extermination bills? Or that your country needs an army of men and women wielding weapons far beyond conventional poisons to rid yards of spiders and such... like flaming swords and nuclear powered portable lawn mowers.