Express Checkout: 5 Things that I can't make a Pun with

- When I first read the story that comedian David Cross snorted cocaine in the presence of Barack Obama at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, that fact didn't shock me. What did shock me was the revelation that Cross is dating former Joan of Arcadia star, Amber Tamblyn (and that was the reason he got to go). And I don't know about you, but somehow, Larry the Cable Guy gained a lot of points in all this, because while he may play a redneck jackass for his fans, I think even he would have had the class not to snort coke in front of a sitting president.

- Over the weekend, my mother showed me a talking doll that she is going to give to my niece for Christmas, and part of the doll's programming is that she can read from a book of nursery rhymes... and when this was demonstrated to me, I was sort of appalled by something. It was almost a caricature of the Canadian accent... it was unbelievably broad. Granted, I haven't traveled across this great land, so maybe everybody but me and the rest of the people in my neck of the woods actually talks like that... but I've never heard that accent on television or on other media except when someone was mocking the accent (I swear, it is almost a McKenzie Brothers accent minus the ehs.). I know part of the issue with me has to do with how slowly the doll speaks so that a toddler can clearly understand the words, but it is still a surprisingly thick accent.

- I read over the weekend that Paul Haggis has left the Church of Scientology, and in doing so, it revealed just how in the dark the membership is about things that the organization is doing outside of the group. With filtering software on their computers and internal pressure not to question things, it seems that it takes a lot to push someone over the edge enough that individuals start looking for answers outside the group. I think Haggis's realization that he knows that the group is going to try to discredit him by using his own admissions during auditing against him was especially telling, and having that knowledge makes his public break from the Church that much braver. It is unfortunate that other members will likely not see things the way he has presented them however, rather, they will get a version which is twisted and missing its most critical parts. In short, he is going to be painted as some loony suppressive person who no one in the church should listen to, or that he is simply mistaken.

- Anyone taking bets on how long DMX, who isn't training BTW, is going to last in his first MMA bout? I am saying less than 60 seconds.

- I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that Spike Lee should be quiet for a while and just let his work as a director speak for him after he starting going after Tyler Perry. Look, I am not a fan of Perry's films, but I think when you are criticizing someone in your industry when you are in a position to, I don't know, make a movie which shows why what the other person is doing is deleterious, then that's what you should do. What I am really getting from this whole thing is that Spike Lee may be more upset that Tyler Perry's movies make more money than his own (and I think Oprah supporting Perry wholeheartedly probably irks him too).

Tags: dmx, mma, mixed martial arts, spike lee, madea, tyler perry, oprah winfrey, paul haggis, scientology, suppressive person, canadian accent, david cross, barack obama, correspondents dinner, joan of arcadia, amber tamblyn, cocaine, prop 8