Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Potential Cinematic Disaster of Epic Proportions

After a decent roundtable type discussion with Semaj over the weekend about crappy movies, we both discovered to our horror that there was a cinematic calamity that will engulf us all in 2010.

Uwe Boll is bringing a Wii Shooter to the big screen...

...a Wii shooter that has yet to be released. And one which has been described as, and I quote, "House of the Dead meets Crazy Taxi".

I think some of us remember the last time Uwe Boll and House of the Dead met in a dark alley in that grimy celluloid world of Hollywood.

The game and the cinematic epic trainwreck that will befall the movie going public in 2010 is called Zombie Massacre, which has one player drive a car while the other 3 shoot at zombies. If you are familiar with Wii gaming, you know that the games aren't the most in-depth narratively, which I guess will suit Uwe Boll's talents as a screenwriter just fine.

Now, before writing about this, I went looking for media surrounding this game. There are lots of videos from Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles online, but there isn't any video of this particular title, being developed by 1988 Games, online anywhere.

Come to think of it, I haven't even seen a screenshot of the game either.

It has been in production since 2007, and by now, I thought we'd actually see something by now.

But recently, it was announced that the game would feature a celebrity.


You know, the rapper who not only made a film career out of working with such luminaries as David Arquette, Steven Seagal and Lou Diamond Philips, but who is working the whole criminal angle for all its worth, including an arrests for driving without a license and attempted car jacking.

Basically he is Ol' Dirty Bastard without the humor or charm. And he is the character who is supposed to be driving the car!

So if I have this straight, Uwe Boll optioned the rights to a game that hasn't yet been released which is somewhat similar to another game he made a horrific movie from and features an rapper/actor whose best days were behind them in every conceivable way.

But you know, with all those things working against it, it could turn out. I mean, there is always a one in a million chance that if you threw a bunch of crap in a bowl, you'd discover pure platinum in there, but I doubt it.

The game may end up being fun, but this movie is going to be DOA. And so much worse than Dead Or Alive as well.


Arjan said...


Semaj said...

holy crap, you still have me laughing about this.

for once, DMX's criminal past (of driving drunk or high) helped him get a role in a game. Throw in Lou Diamond Philips in the game and we'll have a "great" game

I want to see Boll hire DMX for a role in his movie remake. That is if they can keep DMX out of jail.

MC said...

Arjan: Hopefully.

Semaj: It was the mugshot of DMX, wasn't it?