Monday, July 07, 2008

An Open Letter to Brigitte Nielsen

When I began writing this, well, it was a more generalized lament about celebrities and reality shows in general, and how there was a right way and wrong way to reinvent one's self through the medium.

But through the process of writing it, well, one name just kept popping up: Brigitte Nielsen. I mean, how many reality shows have you been on Ms. Nielsen. Let's count them together:

1. Big Brother VIP (Denmark)
2. La Talpa (The Mole-Italy)
3. The Surreal Life
4. The Surreal Life Fame Games
5. Strange Love
6. Celebrity Big Brother (UK)
7. Flavor of Love
8. High Chaparell (a Swedish interview show where they try to get their single subject to do a foolish stunt)
9. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
10. Stars in their Eyes (UK)
11. The Salon (UK)
12. Voyage: Killing Brigitte Nielsen (UK) - Now this show actually sounded interested, and I wish it was one of the only entries on this list.

For all I know, there may actually be more than that as well, because some of the appearances on your IMDB transcripts may be reality shows and not talk shows, so 12 may be the low estimate.

But really, you know you have a problem when you appear on Celebrity Rehab and you don't talk about your compulsion to appear on reality shows... though maybe you did and I just haven't heard about it. Or maybe you needed that money to support one of your habits, or you have to pay some of your ex-husbands' alimony... only you can answer that. If you did it just to try to grub for a little bit more fame, then your actions are counterproductive at best. After all, appearing on a series of reality shows only makes you qualified to appear on other reality shows. It is a vicious circle.

I mean, look at Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, on The Osbournes, he looked bad, but the way the producers put the footage together, well, he came off pretty decently all things considered. He was more colorful than anything really, and now as a media personality, he has a lot of new fans. He was relatively sparing in his exposure via this medium. You on the other hand have sort of become the face of reality programming on two continents and in multiple languages, and in most of those appearances, you weren't really showing your best side, were you?

If I was looking to make a movie where someone just hung around with Joanie "Chyna" Laurer or slept with Flavor Flav(which only the most desperate of people want to do these days), well, then maybe I'd cast you. But for anything else, not so much.

You worked with Arnie, married Sly Stallone... what happened to you? Seriously, how did you get to the point in your career where appearing on Celebrity Rehab seemed like a good idea. Yes, I can see you perhaps needing to go into rehab, but a reality show wasn't the place to do it. I don't care how qualified Dr. Drew is as an addiction medicine specialist, when one is trying to repair their life, being on television may not be the best option. You know it's not, and I know it's not.

So, I recommend that you stay off reality shows for a while and try to rehabilitate your stage and screen career. I know you have a few more movies in you, and you are just the sort of person that someone like Quentin Tarantino would cast in an iconic role in one of his movies. And there is always a cameo in the Red Sonja remake, maybe even the part of the villain. Hey, it could happen.


Becca said...

I used to adore Brigette thought she was so beautiful and strong when I was a kid (Red Sonja, Playboy) and then when she started doing all these reality shows it killed me! Reality sucks sometimes doesn't it? You should never learn the reality about your favorite matinee idols...too often they are crazy like Anna Nicole Smith.

Semaj said...

Thank you, MC

I can't stand Brigitte Nielsen now. She does seem to be into the reality shows now. Then again, I'm she can't get too many acting jobs at the moment.

If I remember correctly, she dated Eddie Murphy a few times. Am I correct?

MC said...

Becca: And most sane people try desperately to keep the media out of their private lives... the ones with problems generally let them in.

Semaj: She may have... at that time, she did have a tendency to date co-stars.

Maven said...

One thing you gotta give her is she really hasn't lost her looks, and she's pretty tenacious. She keeps coming back like a side yard full of kudzu.

And given the "pickin's" that are out there of washed up has-beens, I'd rather watch Ms. Nielsen dry hump Flava-Flav than see anything else involving Danny Bonaduce. If ever there were a celebrity that I wouldn't care one way or the other if he put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger it would be him and that roid-rage he calls a personality.

Now I've got an image in my head of Brigite being double teamed by Conan and Rambo.

Good times.

MC said...

When I started this post, before it became just about Brigitte Nielsen, Danny Bonaduce was taking a lot of shots from me... I mean a lot.

Maven said...

Actually I would care if Danny Bonaduce put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

I'd bake a cake with glee.

MC said...

See, if he did that, well, we'd have to see all those self-serving memorial reports on every news station for weeks.