An Open Letter to Brigitte Nielsen

When I began writing this, well, it was a more generalized lament about celebrities and reality shows in general, and how there was a right way and wrong way to reinvent one's self through the medium.

But through the process of writing it, well, one name just kept popping up: Brigitte Nielsen. I mean, how many reality shows have you been on Ms. Nielsen. Let's count them together:

1. Big Brother VIP (Denmark)
2. La Talpa (The Mole-Italy)
3. The Surreal Life
4. The Surreal Life Fame Games
5. Strange Love
6. Celebrity Big Brother (UK)
7. Flavor of Love
8. High Chaparell (a Swedish interview show where they try to get their single subject to do a foolish stunt)
9. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
10. Stars in their Eyes (UK)
11. The Salon (UK)
12. Voyage: Killing Brigitte Nielsen (UK) - Now this show actually sounded interested, and I wish it was one of the only entries on this list.

For all I know, there may actually be more than that as well, because some of the appearances on your IMDB transcripts may be reality shows and not talk shows, so 12 may be the low estimate.

But really, you know you have a problem when you appear on Celebrity Rehab and you don't talk about your compulsion to appear on reality shows... though maybe you did and I just haven't heard about it. Or maybe you needed that money to support one of your habits, or you have to pay some of your ex-husbands' alimony... only you can answer that. If you did it just to try to grub for a little bit more fame, then your actions are counterproductive at best. After all, appearing on a series of reality shows only makes you qualified to appear on other reality shows. It is a vicious circle.

I mean, look at Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, on The Osbournes, he looked bad, but the way the producers put the footage together, well, he came off pretty decently all things considered. He was more colorful than anything really, and now as a media personality, he has a lot of new fans. He was relatively sparing in his exposure via this medium. You on the other hand have sort of become the face of reality programming on two continents and in multiple languages, and in most of those appearances, you weren't really showing your best side, were you?

If I was looking to make a movie where someone just hung around with Joanie "Chyna" Laurer or slept with Flavor Flav(which only the most desperate of people want to do these days), well, then maybe I'd cast you. But for anything else, not so much.

You worked with Arnie, married Sly Stallone... what happened to you? Seriously, how did you get to the point in your career where appearing on Celebrity Rehab seemed like a good idea. Yes, I can see you perhaps needing to go into rehab, but a reality show wasn't the place to do it. I don't care how qualified Dr. Drew is as an addiction medicine specialist, when one is trying to repair their life, being on television may not be the best option. You know it's not, and I know it's not.

So, I recommend that you stay off reality shows for a while and try to rehabilitate your stage and screen career. I know you have a few more movies in you, and you are just the sort of person that someone like Quentin Tarantino would cast in an iconic role in one of his movies. And there is always a cameo in the Red Sonja remake, maybe even the part of the villain. Hey, it could happen.

Tags: brigitte nielsen, quentin tarantino, celebrity rehab, dr. drew pinsky, sylvester stallone, flavor flav, joanie laurer, chyna, ozzy osbourne, red sonja, arnold schwartzenegger, voyage killing, the mole, reality show, flavor of love, strange love, the salon, celebrity big brother, surreal life, fame games, high chaparell, stars in their eyes