Thursday, December 21, 2006

On the Occasion of my 30th Birthday

What the day is probably going to look like for me:

5 AM: Roll out of bed and suddenly have the desire to buy mutual funds and property. End up watching informercials featuring Tommy Wu. End up falling asleep in a chair.

9 AM: Wake up again. Decide against having a cheese omeltte because it would be bad for my heart. Eat whole wheat toast and some grapefruit. Mystified that there is actually a grapefruit and whole wheat bread in the house.

11 AM:
Turn on the radio and discover that modern music sucks. Silenty wish I had an IPod. Check mailbox... received 4 cards and a final notice from Student Loans. Wonder if they actually have the power to strip me of my degree.

1 PM: Watch 1976's Logan's Run... weep uncontrollably.

3:30 PM: Go to the mirror and wince as a notice I've developed grey streaks at the temples. Wonder if this makes me more or less Jon Stewart-like... I start to feel cranky.

4 PM: Get a call from very pregnant sister. Suddenly have a longing for a pair of tiny little feet running around the house. Play with the dog and get over it.

5 PM: Suddenly develop a kidney stone, heart disease and the gum disease gingivitis. Acne no longer a problem.

7 PM: A couple of friends drop by bearing gifts. One is Greek, so being the wiser from many years of education, I do not let them in without looking their gift, a wooden horse, in the mouth.

7:30 PM: Turn on Entertainment Tonight and discover that it is also Samuel L. Jackson and Kiefer Sutherland's birthday... and feel like a fellow badass... until they say that it is also the birthday of Andy Dick and Ray Romano.

8:37PM: Eat Pizza Pizza. So full. Must. Open. Pants. Tell friends "Just you wait until you are this age".

10 PM: Go out to a club with younger friends. Gawk at 19-year old girls, and then in the back in the mind I remember that I was going through puberty around the time they were born, and that I could technically be their father. Half-expecting Chris Hansen to show up to do an expose report. Belie my age by saying "What?" a lot. Get depressed when no one will kiss me because they don't want to get gingivitis. Fall asleep on a velvet couch after dancing to "Baby Got Back".

3 AM, December 22nd: Somehow wake up alone in my own bed. Wonder if it was all a bad dream... find Andy Dick's number in my pants pocket. Scream.


Mel said...

Ha! Well, regardless of how wrong that is (I mean, look at me - I am GOAH-JUSS, and I'm 32... okay, well, maybe I'm not a good example, but still), HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
30 doesn't hurt. Much.

Anonymous said...


Jon Stewart is handsome so that is a good thing!

Mayren said...


My Mum's birthday is Crimmas day itself so I've been told and shown first hand knowledge that Having a Birthday so close to that holiday is a bummer.

For you sweets - A rose.


You only turn 30 once but you can turn 25 again and again if you feel it in your heart.

DutchBitch said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Oh My Gawd... THIRTY... *ouch*

You young god!

eriu said...

I'm sure you don't look a day older than 21!

(That's the etiquette thing to say, right?)

Other than that, you're half way to retiring! Woo! Every cloud, and all that!

MC said...

mel: Just like any other day really... until the red crystal starts blinking. And you are da gorgeous mel.

hilly: Though I may not enjoy the same level of skill at the pretty putdown and witty rejoinder....

Mayren: The December-early January nexus is big in our family. A Lot of Birthdays in less than a 40 day period around Christmas/New Years.

dutchy: But alas, though my birthname means gift from god, I was never meant to be a gift to the ladies alas. Granted, a lot of beautiful women are praising me here on my birthday... wow, dreams really do come true ;)

eriu: The last time I looked 21 I was... 17. Scary but true.

Paul B said...

Happy returns of the day. Just think of it this way: it is your 9th anniversary of your 21st birthday.

All the best!

D. Prince said...

Happy Birthday MC!

prunella jones said...

Happy Birthday. Welcome to the thirtysomething years!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Yeah, you could have been there father...except you're still a virgin.

We've got a runner!

Semaj said...

Happy B day, Let's just say I've hit that big 30 earlier this year...

MC said...

Paul: That is a good way of looking at it, true.

Fab: I still spoiled a lot of pools when I was 11-12, so it could have happened.

D. Prince: Thank you so much. :)

Semaj: Any tips?

Prunella: Now I have the theme to thirtysomething rolling around in my head... hmmm.

pamela said...

I have a fondness for Logans run myself, the part where they levitate and blow up just gets me every time.
Congradulations on your orbit around the sun. May you next trip be smooth sailing. Bon Voyage!

Tracey said...

Funny stuff! Happy birthday greetings...I'll soon be facing the 30 year barrier...tell me if it's any good on the other side...

she said...

LOL! The line about pizza and pants is hilarious - and sooo true if my hubby is anything to judge by. Hope you had a happy birthday.

Crazy.Spoiled.bLitch. said...

Happy Birthday! Yesterday was my 36th b-day and my dad's is the 23rd. Having birthdays in December sucks.

Like you, I went out to a bar with friends on my b-day night. All the guys there were underage tweens or drunken old perverts.

I got home and asked my dog to marry me. He's the only loyal man to share my bed in quite sometime. :-)

Merry Christmas! (from Blog Mad)

It's Me, Maven... said...

Happy Birthday!

30 is the new 20, don'tchaknow:)

Jess said...

Happy belated birthday! I hope the birthday elves brought you everything you asked for!

The big 3-0 is coming up for me in June. I already feel so very old.

MC said...

pamela: Well, I have the number of Triple-A just in case I develop a flat. ;)

Tracey: Will do. :)

she: The only part of me that doesn't like the pizza is the pants. Seriously.

c.s.b.: Happy Belated Birthday to you as well.

maven: yep... though I am legal for everything now... except ultraporn of course.

jess: Well, I didn't ask for the gray hair(not joking about the grays), but everything else came up rosey.

Paul Gorbould said...

Happy birthday, MC!

As a wise friend of mine told me when I turned 30:

"The best part about turning 30 is that there's *always* another beer."

He's right, too. Enjoy!

MC said...

Well, this is Canada... where there is always another beer anyway ;)