Monday, June 12, 2006

An Intervention on behalf of Ann Coulter

Since everyone has been writing about Ann Coulter, I thought it was my turn, but rather than attack her ideas or politics here (because I foreswore talking politics here in this little zone), I thought I would rather do something a little different. I am not going to link to any of her rantings, any of her interviews here, because I want to think of this posting more as an intervention than anything resembling an attack. I have more class than that(well, actually no I don't, but that is beside the point).

You see; in the simplest terms, I look at Ann Coulter in much the same way I look at, say, Paris Hilton, early Johnny Knoxville, Anna Nicole Smith or Tom Green.... basically she just wants the attention, nothing more. I mean, we all knew this person when we were in school. Maybe we even were this person. You know, the kind that just had to cause a disruption and have everyone look at them by doing something outrageous or stupid, or perhaps by some spontanenous outburst in the middle of a quiet classroom. Unfortunately for the rest of us, someone has recently shown that they still haven't outgrown those childish impulses.

The thrill of attention is a drug like many others, and I know it is quite addictive, and of course, the way modern media is, the more outrageous you are, the more people want to see you or talk about you is a temptation that Ms. Coulter is having a hard time fighting, especially since it is clearly lining her pocketbook. If only she would appear in a grainy night-vision video, leap around on a daytime talk show or hit a few pedestrians so that we can get past all this nonsense like we would if it was any other kind of celebrity scandal B-list or down.

I was going to say that if we all just decided not to look at her and just totally ignore her, she would just go away, but like Paris, she (and her publishers) have too much money invested in this little enterprise to let her just slide quietly out of our lives, and god knows, Ann Coulter and quiet do not go together well. But since corporations own the major media outlets, and since corporations are also individuals under the law, well, I think I've come up with an ingenious solution to this whole recent mess.

We the people demand that Ann Coulter and the various media-based "individuals" cannot have any contact by phone, email or face-to-face, and must in fact remain 300 meters from each other at all times for the protection of decency and the public at large. It is the only way you are going to get better Ann, and we would all like to see you come back to society a much healthier and happier(if a little less wealthy) person, and if you do feel the need to rant about some injustice you see, well, I guess there is always your local starbucks or bar, both of which sell drugs that are much better for you than attention. I am sure that all involved would benefit from this arrangement, don't you agree?

6 comments:

Loquacious Curmudgeon said...

Brilliant! Thanks for the great read.

D. Prince said...

You are one smart cookie and I couldn't agree more.

MC said...

Thank you both. You just made my night. :)

Bluesky_Liz said...

Those tags are hilarious.

Bluesky_Liz said...

Ignoring these people at first might make them more outrageous for a little while, btw. Attention seekers (as one knows well from working with such) get that way when they are ignored.

MC said...

That's why I said that ignoring her wouldn't work. We need more drastic measures.