On the Tee: Ashlee Simpson Once More

Those of you who have read me in the past know that me and Ashlee Simpson have had a rather tempestuous, though one-sided relationship that began the night of her lip synch scandal and extended quite a while, but for well over a year, I haven't said anything about her, because it was sort of like the off-season. But the team is back in town, and boy, do they want to swing for the fences.

Admittedly, she did have a healthy sentiment in the January 2005 Allure magazine when she said "I felt like my nose was big. I was always like, 'I'm going to get a nose job one day.' and I'm so glad that I didn't. I love my nose. I personally think that I've grown into my nose. I think it has character."

Which would be all well and good, and a very positive message about self-image for her young fans... but then she went and got herself a lil ole nose job and made a liar out of herself. I am willing to admit that all the windows in my own glass house are broken, but that just makes throwing stones that much easier.

And of course, Jessica was just a beacon of sisterly support about the whole matter, as she is apparently livid that now Ashlee looks more a lot more like her. I guess she is afraid her ever-so-talented actress kid sister is going to start taking her roles in films of substance and great human drama like.... let's see... um... ok, that's not the issue.

The point is, the sisters Simpsons are on a collision course to Greek tragedy and unless we as human beings band together to stop this event from happening, the grisly emotional debris will be scattered everywhere like the aftermath of that ever-so-persistent Hollywood metaphor, a trainwreck. And just like the real thing, it will get coverage, oh so much coverage, and it will envelop us all under a thick oily mass and suffocate us all, and I certainly don't want to go out that way.

My solution is to have the Simpsons meet with the Wilson brothers(Owen and Luke) to gain a better perspective on the whole nose issue and stop the insanity for at least a few weeks. Well, until someone writes a tell-all book or wakes up on the street in Malibu with a chimpanzee, a passport for a Ms. Veronica Venus and a crumpled fire engine door handcuffed to their wrist. Now that would be a story worth hearing.